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102 Responses to The Jokes

  1. TV says:

    Knock knock,
    Whos there?
    Chuck Noris!
    Chuck Noris who?
    …?
    Sorry, jokes over when Chuck Noris gets involved!

    • magic bananas says:

      once chuck Norris brought his cat to the dog park, the next day it was the national pet cemetery and his cat was the guard

  2. TV says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t get up in the morning, put on his boots, and get ready for work; he gets up expecting his boots to already be on while his work gets ready for him!

  3. Chuck Norris says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t win, he allows you to loose.

  4. Snackbar says:

    To figure out how many women Chuck Norris has been with, ask him, take the number he gives you, and divide it by zero.

  5. Sowmya says:

    How do I download the jokes from your repository into a file?? Plz help..

  6. Mike says:

    Chuck Norris told the Most Interesting Man in the World that he can only drink Dos Equis.

  7. Robin Böhm says:

    If you are using other first and lastname,
    some jokes will fail.

    CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

    CNN was originally created as the “Robin Böhm Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

    May fix there? Something link

    PeusdoCode e.g.
    fistname.charAt(0).upperCase() + lastname.charAt(0).upperCase()

    Rob

    • admin says:

      Yeah, good point. Although the joke does not really make sense of you make it “RBN was originally created as the “Robin Böhm Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.”. This actually is a joke which is not suited for other names than Chuck Norris.

  8. Daksh says:

    First of all thank you for creating such beautiful database of Chuck Norris Jokes and for creating such web services so others can use it on various platform.

    I made an application using your JSON API in Android in which jokes are coming from your webservices in real time and I counted that there are total 567 jokes are there in the database. Can you please upload more?

    Here is my link to the application on Google Play Chuck Norris Jokes on Google Play

    I also mention your website in app description and in credits in application for providing such large database of jokes.

  9. Jason smith says:

    Was hoping to add to the joke list with a few of my own

    1) Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret

    Or

    2) On his 16th birthday,Chuck Norris turned 21 and could legally drink.

  10. Tomer says:

    Chuck Norris can restore an Oracle database.

  11. Lance C says:

    Here’s two of my faves. Chuck Norris once pitched a no hitter from the bullpen. Chuck Norris wrestled an anaconda for five hours before he realized he was masturbating.

  12. Jacob Duncan says:

    There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard…just another fist.

  13. Richard Futch says:

    Tornados occur when Chuck Norris sneezes.

  14. Mr T says:

    There’s a LOT of nerdsville/SHIT Chuck Norris jokes on there…

    The big ones are shite!!!

    Check some of these out…

    ….

    Chuck Norris can understand women.

    Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete.

    Sharks have a Chuck Norris week.

    Chuck Norris can speak Russian in Chinese.

    Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

    Chuck Norris can open a tin of paint with his dick.

    Chuck Norris’s dog pick’s up his own shit because Chuck Norris does take shit from anyone.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, now they’re called The Islands!

    Specsavers should have gone to Chuck Norris.

    When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity – Twice.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it!

    Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month, they bleed for a week because of it.

    Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

    Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

    Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

    Chuck Norris won XFactor using sign language.

    Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

    Alcohol has a Chuck Norris problem.

    Chuck Norris got a Big Mac at Burger King.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    Chuck Norris can beat Madeleine Mccann at hide & seek.

    Chuck Norris is the only guy to read twilight & not be gay.

    Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

    Chuck Norris can tell a black joke without looking over his shoulder.

    Kyle Minogue wishes she had an ass like Chuck Norris.

    If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can see around corners with his penis.

    Chuck Norris can pick an apple from a pear tree & make the best god damm lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

  15. Larry M. says:

    Chuck Norris can’t beat a game unless he cheats because being Chuck Norris is a cheat.

    Chuck Norris beat the story line a game with no story line.

  16. dull.anomal says:

    When zombies bite Chuck Norris, zombies become Chuck Norris

  17. ian says:

    Chuck Norris CAN have his cake and eat it too.

  18. nick says:

    Why does the wind blow you might ask? Chuck Norris breathes.

  19. Donald Miller says:

    Everybody farts, But only Chuck Norris can break wind.

  20. Duncan says:

    In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.

  21. Duncan says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t need to kill time. Time just runs away.

  22. Bobby S. says:

    Bright light before you die = glint from Chuck Norris’s pearly whites

  23. Steve Jobs says:

    Chuck Norris isn’t as good as Bruce Lee

  24. noelia says:

    you have a spelling error. “CHick norris?”

  25. Rusty Rob says:

    Chuck Norris does not wear a black belt. He wears a live black momba.

  26. Hannu says:

    In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Because Chuck Norris allowed it.

    • iiand says:

      In the beginning God created the heaven, the earth, and everything inside them including Chuck Norris. Because Chuck Norris allowed it.

  27. Tim Badger says:

    Burger King once had 2 Chuck Norris based menu items. The Knuckle Sandwich and the Roundhouse Kickers. However they were removed due to the increase in dentures among customers

  28. Tim Badger says:

    If Chuck Norris sees his shadow, ya have 6 weeks to live

  29. Alan says:

    Poison ivy itches after Chuck Norris touches it.

    • magic bananas says:

      when chuck Norris uses the expression “when pigs fly” the entire evolutionary chain changes out of fear

  30. gavin davis says:

    The dinosaurs crossed Chuck Norris once. Once

  31. bert says:

    Nice quality collection! A few too many programmer-inside facts
    for my taste, since I can’t understand ’em! But it’s all good.
    May I submit some of mine, and if so how, and if so is there a
    character limit? As some recently catalogued facts require a
    small paragraph to say.

    • admin says:

      I haven’t come around updating the API for several years, but maybe I should do that one of these days :) Anyway, if you want to suggest some jokes, just post them here in the comments. Haven’t thought about a character limit yet, I’ll see what it gives.

  32. james says:

    chuck norris dad didnt make chuck norris chuck norris made himself

  33. bert says:

    Very prompt reply for not having been on here for several
    years, admin; cheers! Two things of some urgency: a) I noticed
    on another page of this site that CNFs (Chuck Norris facts)
    were reffered to as ‘jokes.’ Now that’s fine, so long as your
    goal is a roundhouse kick to the face. For your own saftey,
    beware ridiculing Chuck. Everyone knows, there are no Chuck
    Norris jokes, only Chuck Norris facts. And b) What’s this I see
    about substituting your own name in a CNF??? Good lord, are
    you searching for new methods of commiting suicide?? This idea
    is tantamount to sacrilege, as I’m sure all will agree. Before
    the bodies pile up any higher, this ridiculous option must be
    discontinued, and Chuck’s forgiveness ardently begged for. In
    fact, it may be too late for you, but perhaps you can still
    save this site, if you act fast. Godspeed, poor, foolish boy.
    Our prayers shall be with thee. And as a final piece of advice,
    may I just suggest that you keep a sharp eye for roundhouses.

  34. wangsu says:

    Chuck Norris can lock a safe and keep the key inside it.

  35. Lima says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t fly,the sky crawls under chuck Norris.

  36. Leighton says:

    Chuck Norris can send text messages via a public telephone

  37. Jason says:

    Chuck Norris dropped his used condem in the sewer, 9 months later the ninja turtle’s were born!

    • scared of CN says:

      Chuck Norris isn’t Shit…

      Be careful with your words.

      Also, Chuck norris makes fun of shit, and then shit burns itself down.

  38. ArtGasp says:

    God didn’t work on Sunday because Chuck Norris told him to stop making noise on his day off

  39. J Levy says:

    Please update the categorizations on the jokes. Specifically need to add the explicit tag to a number of jokes. We had to remove our dashboard widget because of complaints.

  40. […] a website using my first ever API!!!! Whaaaat?! That’s official programmer-stuff! I found a Chuck Norris joke database, that supplied a JSONP API that I decided to use. The internet is a crazy […]

  41. Who you callin P1NH34D? says:

    Lel

  42. Jason Fry says:

    Chuck Norris can use the number 2 in binary code.

  43. magic bananas says:

    chuck Norris’s computer doesn’t freeze because of slow internet, it freezes out of terror

  44. magic bananas says:

    chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in

  45. magic bananas says:

    when I told my mom I beat chuck Norris in a fighting game, she told me to stop telling lies

    • scared of CN says:

      When I played a fighting game with Chuck Norris I
      deliberately let him win.

      Not that I had a cance anyways…

  46. Austin says:

    I heard that Chuck Norris can pick Oranges from an Apple tree, and make the best goddamn Lemonade you’ve ever tasted…

  47. Julie says:

    Chuck Norris captured all Pokemon in Pokemon Go…
    …using a landline.

  48. Hans says:

    Chuck Norris can play Star Spangled Banner in D-minor on a vuvuzela.

  49. charlie says:

    when chuck Norris visited the cold arctic, he melted through to china.

  50. Sergey Kirienko says:

    When two sumos fight in arena, Chuck Norris always wins.

  51. igabesz says:

    Chuck Norris once said to Wolverine, ‘Hey Wolvie, aren’t 4 claws a little too much?’ Since then, Wolverine uses 3 claws only.

  52. Jeff says:

    Chuck Norris’s computer doesn’t have autocorrect because know one tells chuck Norris he’s wrong

  53. Troll says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t play hide and seek he plays hide and pray I don’t find you

  54. Dipstick says:

    Loving it guys try this one on for size
    Chuck Norris puts sunglasses on to protect the sun from his eyes

  55. majic man says:

    If Chuck Norris looked in the mirror, the reflection would come out of the mirror and build a mountain called mount. norris and on top of it there would be a temple for chuck norris and olny he would be able to reach it.

  56. Shablam0_82 says:

    Here’s some more jokes to add to your collection!

    Superman and Chuck Norris once had an arm wrestling contest. The loser had to wear their underpants on the outside.

    Chuck Norris has been to Mars, why else is there no life there?

    What the Bible doesn’t say is that Mary had twins when Jesus was born. The second child was Chuck Norris.

    Apollo 13 screwed up because Chuck Norris was getting bored.

    Chuck Norris already caught’em all, on a home phone!

    At E3, they left Chuck Norris to try out the new game Terraria. When they got back, he was playing it in 3D.

    The roundhouse kick was invented when Chuck Norris slipped on a banana peel. It wasn’t how his foot flew upwards, it was his reaction to the banana.

    • Shablam0_82 says:

      Did I forget to mention…

      Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on his faucet, he stares at it until it cries.

      When you see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris sees you. When you can’t see Chuck Norris, you’re probably seconds away from death.

      Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

      Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

      Saturn was created when Chuck Norris proposed to Gena.

      Chuck Norris made the sun by rubbing his hands together.

      Chuck Norris urinated in a truck once as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

      Legos were invented when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a plastic factory.

      Chuck Norris was invited to fight the strongest man in the world. Then he realized that it would be stupid to fight himself.

  57. Nina says:

    that makes no since at all lol

  58. Pingas says:

    Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet. It’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move

  59. Dave Long says:

    Hurricanes evacuate from Chuck Norris

  60. the splendid Bezimeni says:

    lolololololol i have been laughing till tears flow uncontrollably. now everyone in the office think i’m high. love these jokes. tnx xo much

  61. scared of CN says:

    So I walked pass CN once, and didnt realize it because he shined too bright.

  62. scared of CN says:

    The darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris

  63. Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in one move by moving his pawn named Check Norris!!!!!!!!!!!!

  64. Chuck Norris’ teacher gave an assignment telling what courage realy is so he turned in a blank paper with his name at the top and got an A+

  65. Devlin McGuire says:

    death once had a near-chuck experience!!!!!!!

  66. Devlin McGuire says:

    chuck norris died 20 years ago, the only problem was that the grim-reaper was too scared to tell him

  67. Devlin McGuire says:

    the round-house kick was named when chuck norris round-house kicked a house so hard it turned into a circle

  68. Andrew says:

    Lance Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the sun.

    P.S. He owns a cabon on the sun.

  69. Dat Boi says:

    Once Chuck Norris fought deadpool. He permenantly became a dead pool

  70. colin says:

    why does it rain? chuck Norris pees

  71. Me have no name me is dead! says:

    If I called Chuck Norris a girlyman how long do you think it would argggg arggg argggggggggg!” Chuck killed me. “

  72. Me have no name me is dead! says:

    Chuck Nortis jumped from the top of a building,the ground dide’nt make it.

  73. Me have no name me is dead! says:

    Chuck fought superman in a bet the loser had to wear underpants on the outside

  74. Me have no name me is dead! says:

    Chuck fought superman in a bet the loser had to wear underpants on the outside of his pants

  75. orangejuice says:

    Chuck Norris passed his calculus class by walking in, grabbing the wall, and throwing it at the teacher.

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